Waltertainment

The Sum of All Fears - Wally(****) Waldo(***)

starring Ben Aflack, Morgan Freeman
directed by Phil Alden Robinson (Sneakers, Field of Dreams)

WALLY: Here it is, the mother of all Clancy movies. The head honcho of the nachos.

WALDO: The biggest of the cheeses. The A-est of the number ones. The cock of walk.

WALLY: The Ron Jeremy of cocks. The Houston of the 500. The Ayatolla of big, smelly, hairy, pus-

WALDO: Oookay, I think they get the picture. What do you mean the Houston of the 500?

WALLY: Nothing. It’s just where I saw your mom who was working as a fluffer.

WALDO: What, is it a pillow store?

WALLY: Yyyyeah.

WALDO: The Sum of All Fears. The newest of the Clancy novel adaptations is here with the Ben Affleck-

WALLY: Aflack!

WALDO: -taking the helm as a young Jack Ryan. Okay, here’s my first problem with the movie. Ryan is supposed to be a young CIA analyst in D.C. We all know these guys are nerdy geeks who blew everyone away in school. And yet he gets this gorgeous surgery resident (yeah, right) to be his girl.

WALLY: Sound a little jealous there, Waldo. In case you haven’t heard, you’re not a nerdy geek if you’re good looking. Even if Jack Ryan Affleck jacked off to internet porn fake Jessica Simpson nudes, and who doesn’t, and he had the whole collection of Star Wars figures and he could recite the dialogue of Lord of The Rings by heart, that still doesn’t make him a dork cuz he’s good looking and he can get the girls.

WALDO: I think you just called our entire male audience geeks.

WALLY: No, cuz they have girls.

WALDO: What about the ones who don’t?

WALLY: If you’re reading this and you fall into that category…PUT DOWN THE LOTION NOW!

WALDO: Idiot. Young Jack Ryan tracks a low-level nuke to the U.S. where (spoiler coming if you haven’t see the commercials) the nuke blows up Baltimore.

WALLY: Well somebody had to.

WALDO: What do you got against Baltimore?

WALLY: Nothing. And that’s just it. It doesn’t matter. It’s a D.C. subdivision. And Trent Dilfer led them to a Super Bowl. If that’s not the Twilight Zone I don’t know what is.

WALDO: Did you notice in the movie that the football team playing was the Florida Gators with Gators on their helmets. But the colors were yellow, black and green.

WALLY: Some Seminole probably told the bad guys to bomb that stadium. Once a convict…

WALDO: Once the bomb blows up the balance of the movie is Jack Affleck trying to find where the bomb came from and getting the info to the President to stop world war three. Not the most exciting plot.

WALLY: I think this is where we cross hairs. I loved it. I thought the writing was taught. The direction was pretty standard but made it tense enough to follow. And I just love military movies.

WALDO: I thought the bomb blowing up was woefully outdated like something that couldn’t really happen. Well now it can and it disturbed the hell outta me.

WALLY: But the movie was made well enough so that it still seemed like a fictional thing. It’s just an action movie.

WALDO: I thought they could have dwelled a little bit more on the magnitude of a freakin’ nuclear bomb blowing up in our country.

WALLY: Well there were things a little more important to think about Waldo. Like bombs blowing up all over the world.

WALDO: But that’s what was stupid about it. The Russians once again looked like idiots on film because their stupid president kept trying to look tough even though it’d risk a nuclear war. “Eets bet-ther to luke geelty den to luke eempotent.” Stupid.

If they didn’t do something they’d be like “hey-hey-hey it wasn’t us! Point that shotgun away from my head please.” Only movie Russia is dumb enough to risk a nuclear war when they don’t have to and release a general that will overthrow the country when the U.S. president gets kidnapped, ala Air Force One. Right.

If the Russian president was kidnapped and we had Bin Laden in custody and some terrorist was like “lalalalalalala! Release Bin Laden now or ve vill kill ze president of ThRussian! lalalalalalla!”

We’d be like ‘fuck that.’

WALLY: Uh…first of all, only Arab women do that ‘lalalalala’ thing. And second of all, your Arab accent sounds a lot like ze Gjerman accent.

WALDO: So my accent’s off.

WALLY: Only by a continent.

WALDO: German, Arab, fuck you. The point I’m trying to make-

WALLY: And there is one.

WALDO: Is that, oh now I forget.

WALLY: What’d you think of Ben Aflack?

WALDO: Considering he was only in the movie for 30 minutes, not bad. He’s got the whining yuppy thing down like, like-

WALLY: Like a hillbilly girl’s back on her brother’s bed.

WALDO: That’s gross.

WALLY: Tell me that’s fiction.

WALDO: Robinson’s use of the over exposed film stock after the bomb blast was a nice touch reminiscent of Speilberg’s low shutter speed motion blur in the Saving Private Ryan scenes where a bomb landed near Tom Hanks and his senses went out.

But that wasn’t the first time it’s been used.

WALLY: Yeah, Afleck was hardly in this movie.

WALDO: It was kind of disjointed. The narrative push was forced well in a Hollywood kind of way by screenwriters Paul Attanasio and Daniel Pyne. The kept it moving and kept it visual. I just thought it lacked harmony.

The bad guys, neo-nazis, were either not very well developed or not developed enough. If they were the bad guys. It’s as if the bad guy was access to information.

WALLY: But it was pre-nuclear war. Don’t ya think it would be chaotic?

WALDO: Perhaps. Overall a decent new entry into the Jack Ryan franchise and arbiter of things to come, for better or worse. Not a bad movie but not near the great Hunt For Red October, the best Clancy movie yet.

WALLY: I loved it. And Bridget Moynahan, Ryan’s girlfriend, is such a hottie I could cook an egg on her ass, slap it up wit a side o’ bacon and call a meal! Damn doggy!

WALDO: Well you’ve got to have the obligatory girl that worries.

WALLY: My favorite part was when the neo-nazis got a turn coat Russian general to attack a U.S. carrier and in retaliation we destroyed the airbase that attacked. I was like “yeah!” You don’t fuck with America mutherfuckers! You don not…fuck..with us!”

WALDO: But even that was sucked dry because they showed the battle through the eyes of those damn gulf war video cameras under the plane. It took the drama out of the revenge. I wanted to see a big freakin’ cathartic explosion and all we got was thing black and fuzzy video image.

Fairly well made but not awesome.

WALLY: I’d rank this 2^nd under Red October with Clear and Present Danger and Patriot Games bringing up the rear. But bringing up the rear is more Waldo’s specialty.