Waltertainment

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (****)

starring computer animators and wood boards
directed by God

WALLY: Hallelujiah! Star Wars 2 is here! Or if you’re Jewish, hallejew-ya.

WALDO: Or if you’re a crackhead- how’ll I do ya?

WALLY: You’re mom’s a crackhead?

WALDO: Smoking rock is about as close as you’ll get to a crack my foul smelling friend.

WALLY: Hey! I ain’t your friend.

WALDO: Let’s get to the big movie of the summer. Or one of them at least. Episode II of the Star Wars saga focuses on Anakin Skywalker(Hayden Christiansen) falling in love with Senator(formerly Queen) Amidala(Natalie Portman). This love story is told against a backdrop of political galactic intrigue. Honestly, I found the story confusing. Kids will not get this. I didn’t get this.

WALLY: You don’t ever “get it.”

WALDO: But fans love it due to the action- there’s lots of it. Much more action than Ep 1. Great lush locations. The visuals were astounding. Sometimes too astounding. I found myself looking at the backgrounds as the actors spoke their lines.

WALLY: You didn’t miss much. Hayden Christinsian as Anakin sucked. Why he gotta whine like a little bitch. How did this guy get the part? The only thing he can do well is whine like a little bitch. I should have been the one to kiss Natalie’s Port’s man.

WALDO: Natalie Portman was cute. Cute cute cute. Inside you could see a real actress struggling to get past the writing. But her wardrobe more then made up for her lack of depth. That how the world works with pretty girls, doesn’t it.

WALLY: Word. Natalie’s outfits were in various states of ‘damn I’d fuck her!’ I loved how the monster at the end strategically ripped her outfit to give her a bare midriff. Yum. Props to the wardrobe person. Props to the prop person too.

WALDO: Ewan Mcgregor was great. Solid as usual. He grounded the movie. As I said before, the visuals were lush. But I do have to point out one extremely dumb moment- (SPOILER WARNING) when Anakin lifts his dead mom’s body…she tilts her head to rest it on his shoulder!

WALLY: Yeah! I saw that! Hey, bitch. Aren’t you supposed to be dead?! $100 million and no one noticed that? Weren’t they in the editing room watching that and going “oh shit.” Like they don’t have the money to reshoot? (SPOILER END)

WALDO: Luckily, Jar Jar, the bane of Star Wars fans’ existence, had a small role in this one.

WALLY: That’s what she said. Hehe.

WALDO: Who said that?

WALLY: I said that’s what she said.

WALDO: Who said that?

WALLY: It’s a joke, nerfherder. Get it? He had a small role? That’s what she said?…She’s talking about his fucking little dick!

WALDO: Oh. Well the FX were just incredible. The direction could have been better at the (spoiler warning) death of anakin’s mom- (spoiler end) this is the most pivotal moment in the entire star wars universe, except for maybe Darth Vader killing the emperor in Jedi, and it didn’t feel big enough. But it was satisfactory. I just like my drama in big doses. Then George wussed out on the revenge killing of the sand people by a pissed off Anakin. We wanted to see that and not just a couple tusken raiders decapitated. We wanted revenge. It’s the pay off. It’s Maximus turning around and saying I am Maximus bitch.

WALLY: Anakin and Amidala’s courtship seemed kind of forced. Maybe because of the shitty dialogue.

WALDO: Watch a romantic comedy and you can tell that the writer and director know how to show two people flirting and falling for each other. But George must have missed the boat. The scenes seemed right but didn’t feel right.

WALLY: We sure as hell don’t see why Amidala, the goddess of all intergalactic babes(who in the senate isn’t trying to tap that young sweet ass?), would fall in love with dickhead Anakin. He’s a prick.

WALDO: Oh yeah. That’s what the girls like. Attitude and a big light saber.

WALLY: Apparently some jedi aren’t as good as others. Some of them at the big fight at the end just got down right bitch slapped. They died like a regular human. I wonder if any alien animals were harmed during the course of filming.

WALDO: We saw it in digital theater. Definite improvement. Crisp. Clear. No blurry moments. No scratches. No sudden movements. Looked and sounded excellent. It’s like watching a giant DVD. But this is only for big fx movies. No one’s gonna care about crisp clear romantic comedy. Course, we had to pay $9 to get in but that might be cuz we saw it in an L.A. galleria.

WALLY: Next time I’m saving my money for strip clubs.