Waltertainment

Hu’s boobs are that in Scorpian King (**1/2)

Changing Lanes (****) makes you go “oooh sssheeeeit.”

(WARNING- following contains adult language, of course)

Scorpian King - Waldo(*1/2), Wally(***)

starring The Rock, Kelly Hu’s loin cloth
directed by Chuck Russell

WALDO: The Scorpion King was horrible. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, Changing Lanes-

WALLY: What?! Or more accurately, Hu?

WALDO: Who?

WALLY: Yes.

WALDO: What?

WALLY: No. Hu.

WALDO: Who what?

WALLY: No. Just Hu.

WALDO: Who who?

WALLY: You know who.

WALDO: Kelly Hu?

WALLY: Kelly Huuuuuuuuuu.

WALDO: Who that ho?

WALLY: Hu’s no Ho! That mah bitch.

WALDO: I’m sure she’d appreciate that one. Kelly Hu is the co-star in the spin-off to the successful Mummy movies. But my mama didn’t raise no Mummy.

WALLY: Er! Sense of humor. You have none. This movie is about, aw who cares. That’s not important. All I’s got to say is Huuuuuuuuu!

WALDO: The Rock is a hired assassin sent to kill a sorcerer, Kelly Hu, who can see the future and predict battle outcomes for an evil warlord who’s killing everyone.

WALLY: Then, just when the Rock is about to kill her she turns around and…”holy shit! She’s hot! I can’t waste good snatch like that.”

WALDO: Oh please! That’s terrible.

WALLY: You know that’s what he was thinking…”I know I’m supposed to kill her…but maybe I could fuck her first.”

WALDO: Wally! Don’t be such a pervert. Now let me be the first to say this movie is no Mummy. Actually, save your money folks. Watch WWF and Hercules back to back and it’s the same thing. I’m not kidding about the Xena comparisons. It’s about the same production values. Not even many special effects.

WALLY: Personally, I luuuuvved it! The Rock kickin ass. Kelly Huuuuuuuu!! And yes, like Xena, they got all the left-overs from the Baywatch casting calls. I didn’t know they had silicon in ancient times.

WALDO: Well, there was a lot of sand.

WALLY: But my one gripe was when Kelly Hu was topless but somehow here damn hair was magically stuck over her nippleees. I know they were just crying for sunlight. Damn that PG13! I was just waiting for The Rock to do his atomic elbow thing at the end. But never happened.

WALDO: I thought it sucked. Don’t waste your time. If you’re one of those Xena loving morons, i.e. like Wally, then this shlock’s for you.

WALLY: If you like stupid action, stupid one-liners, cleavers, cleavage, a hot Asian chic barely wearing little more then a towel(my compliments to costume design), i.e. if you’re a guy that doesn’t drool over Antonio Sabato Jr., (whatever happened to him?) then this movie is for you.

Changeing Lanes (****)

starring Ben Aflak, Samuel Jackson
directed by Roger Michell(Notting Hill)

WALDO: Wow. This was a good movie that I did not expect to be this good. Ben and Samuel hit each other in a car accident that ends up totally screwing them both. Jackson is late for a child custody hearing and Ben forgets a super important legal file with Jackson.

WALLY: What ensues is a game of ‘oh, you’re a dick? well I can be a dick too muthafuckah.’

WALDO: I think the word ‘one-upsmanship- would have sufficed.

WALLY: Duh, that’s like, three words. One…ups…man…sssship.

WALDO: This film was a delightful diversion from the run of the mill Ashley Judd running from some bad guy thriller. Otherwise known as Paramount Pictures.

WALLY: Ow that hurt.

WALDO: That’s Paramount’s thing. Mid-budget range thrillers. For you non-industry types, each studio has their ‘thing’ and its pretty interesting once you get into the strategy of it all. It’s like how pro sports teams have their own cultures and philosophies. But that’s another article.

WALLY: Thank God. (Note:

WALDO: There were so many good things about his movie but I’ll focus on the script and directing because they were both very interesting.

WALLY: You’ll focus? What about me-

WALDO: Shut-up. This movie was SMART. There are no bad guys or good guys. Everyone is just human with good and bad qualities who are trying to do the right thing but let the bad side get the best of them. Not like the telegraphed ‘hello audience, this guy is bad and this guy is good’ movies. See Scorpian King.

WALLY: I thought you just said don’t see it.

WALDO: Shut-up. And the plot unfolded with intellectual exercises as opposed to physical tasks. For example, Ben Aflack desperately needed a file that he forgot with Jackson. He needed it to save his job, his firm, himself from jail time. Hitchcock referred to the object of desire as “the mcguffin.”

WALLY: Cockian?

WALDO: Shut-up. In the ordinary stupid Hollywood thriller the protagonist tries to get the mcguffin by sneaking into places and being chased by bad guys who want to hurt him or want the mcguffin too. Stupid. How many times have we seen that before?

WALLY: Cockblockian?

WALDO: Ok say that one more time and I swear to God I’m gonna smack you.

WALLY: You wanna spank me? Hey everybody! Free handjobs!

WALDO: Roger Michell is quickly becoming one of my favorite new directors. This coupled with Notting Hill make a solid pair for me. His visual style was very interesting. Lots of handheld camera action to heighten the chaotic pace, giving it a more humanistic, realistic, documentary feel ala Michael Mann’s The Insider.

WALLY: I liked the part when Ben Aflack! was talking to his wife at a restaurant and at first you could hear all the background stuff but when the conversation got serious the camera moved in to close-ups.

WALDO: And the background sounds went away and all you could hear was her voice. Great way to draw the audience into the drama of the moment. Loved it.

WALLY: Yeah, me too.

WALDO: Did we actually just agree on something?

WALLY: …………………cockian?

WALDO: Oh brother. But by the end of the movie the plot didn’t just tie up but each character had a realization about his own life and how the world works. This movie works on a lot of levels- physically, visually, man vs. man, man vs. society, man vs. self. And the acting was very very good. A well reviewed movie all the way around.

WALLY: Some might say the plot contrivances were too coincidental.

WALDO: Well, I can see that…did you just make an intelligent comment? I can see that but I felt the director created a reality were the plot was acceptable.

WALLY: This movie was really about that “oh shit” feeling. Y’know, when you’ve royally screwed up.

WALDO: I’m sure you’ve had a lot of experience.

WALLY: Hardy-har fuck you. Here’s a list of some oh shit moments so you might know what I’m talking about:

10. Boss Oh Shit: You’re on thin ice with your boss and she asks if you did that important thing yet and you didn’t. “Oh shit.” So you say you did and try to cover your ass without her finding out.

9. Parental Oh Shit: You told your parents you were graduating and you find out you failed a class and you’re not. ”oh shit.” Like the boss oh shit only it’s worst cuz it’s your parents and you can’t quit from your parents.

8. I’m busted Oh Shit: You know you broke the law and someone’s trying to bust you on it and you do what you’re told: deny, deny, deny. Until your lawyer tells you to shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up.

7. The Fatal Attraction Oh Shit: The person you’ve been having that affair gets pissed at you and threatens to tell. I’m not saying kill the bitch. But I understaaand.

6. The Blow Shit: You’ve been caught getting head by an intern and you remember “oh yeah, I’m the President of the United States. Some fat ugly conservative dick who hasn’t been laid in a decade is gonna bitch about this.”

5. Oh Gary Condshit: The intern you were banging is missing. What fucking luck. Of all the whores in the world to disappear and it’s yours. Lawyer: “Gary, shut the fuck up.”

4. Oh Enronshit: You got greedy. You thought you were so badass no one could fuck with you. “If we could just get away with this I could buy that Beemer.” Also known as the rich/educated/professional/we’re better then the rest of you oh shit. Note: Compare with “This does not include you good looking people who think you belong with us smart/rich types. You’re just with us cuz we like trophies ya conceited whore” oh shit.

3. Not again aka Mike Tyson “it’s inconthievable” oh shit: This is when your life is so fucked up it happens to you a lot. Kill yourself. Symptoms? - You like fighting. - You’re always dating someone hot because you have no concept of “consequence” and that erroneously cons the naïve and desperate into thinking you’re “confident.” - Despite always getting the hottest girl/guy in the room, you suck at relationships. - You were dropped on the head as a kid. - Your name is Darryl Strawberry. Mid 90’s variation was popularly known as the Oh-J Simpson Shit. Applies to small pool of those killed their wife and Jewish lover and have rushed for 2000 yards in a season. Robert Blake did not rush for 2000 yards so he does not qualify. See also Oh Shit Repellent aka Johnny Cochran.

2. Whoa shit: This is an all encompassing one where your whole world is totally fucked but in the end it works out. Alls well that ends well. The movie hits this on the nose so well its eerie how brutally true it is. You forget the worst day in your life as an idle memory. And the number one Oh Shit moment…

1. The ever popular, this has or will probably happen to you at least once, guaranteed panic inducing… MY PERIOD IS LATE OH SHIT!!!(non-married/engaged strain)

Rules here are 1) the younger you are, 2) the more ambitious career you have, 3) the uglier your partner is(if you got their name) the worse off it is for you.

Now people, is that period of time when you’re just waiting not the longest weeks of your life or what? Can I get an ‘amen’ here? This is ‘making deals with God’ time.

Having said that, ironically this longest day of your life often turns into the best day of your life. Funny.

WALDO: Oh Shit. Can we go now?

WALLY: That’ll do pig. That’ll do.

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