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Pirates of the Caribbean:
Curse of the Black Pearl
Waldo (***1/2), Wally(***1/2) starring Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Kiera Knightly directed by Gore Verbinsky(The Ring, Mouse Hunt) WALDO: Wow! What a great summer
spectacle. Pirates tells the tale of a lost WALLY: You're a butt-pirate? WALDO: Idiot...a lost pirate named Jack Sparrow, played exquisitely by a game Johnny Depp, and young blacksmith, Will Turner(Orlando Bloom), who go after cursed ghost pirates to get revenge and save a damsel in distress, respectively. WALLY: Johnny Depp kicked ass but his rockstar-in-drag Pirate get-up did wreak of butt-pirate. He based his character on shouldn't-he-be-dead-rocker Keith Richards, of all things. That explains the drunken sway and slurred speech. The movie in turn is based on the shouldn't it be dead ride at the Disney parks of the same name. I always thought that the ride was lame until the end where you take a sharp dive down the rapids. But that dip was a good chance to grab a girl's tit. Y'know, in the heat of the moment. WALDO: Perv. You disgusting obnoxious idiot. Sorry about him, folks. You'll have to expect the periodic moment where you want to slap him. WALLY: If you're the young hot ass damsel in distress, Kiera Knightly, you can slap me anytime. On my ass. Spank it. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh nooooooooooo. I need a body bag. She was super hot. And only 17 when they were filming. Mmmm. Seventeen. (singing) She's only seven-teeen. WALDO: That's illegal y'know. WALLY: Mmmm. Oh that sweet sweet jailtime. WALDO: Speaking of Wally enjoying anal rape, the story hinges on a gold pirate's medallion slung around said damsel in distress's kneck. I won't bore you with plot specifics, and there's plenty, but basically pirates kidnap Knightly's Governor's daughter character and impetuous Will Turner wants to save her since he's had a lifelong crush on her. WALLY: They're on a military outpost on a friggin' Island. Every masturbating Brit. soldier on that island must be spankhappy over miss prim and proper jailbaitress. So step back ya blonde elf and get in line. WALDO: But unlike all the other Brit. spankers, she likes him too. Only he's a servant type her Governor dad wants her to marry the Commodore. WALLY: Lionel Richie? WALDO: No. The British military commander on the island. So Will has a good reason to see her rescued if ya know what I mean. WALLY: Ah yes. The pussy does have strong pull. Come to meeee. Come to meeee. WALDO: The only way Will can pull the rescue off is with the help of inprisoned Pirate Jack Sparrow. However, Sparrow has is own hidden agenda in helping Turner. WALLY: Swashbuckling ensues. There's some pretty cool sword fights on boats. Alot of jumping and swinging on ropes. I was surprised to see this amount of violence in a Disney movie but as usual, my door is always open to mindless, gratuitous violence. Hmmmm, mindless violence. WALDO: The director, Verbinsky does a great job of handling this big stunt-laden affair showing his virtuosity in different genres. How he can jump from a staid, creepy thriller like The Ring to this is a testament to his bankability as an A-lister of the present and future. Even though he did The Mexican. WALLY: I did a Mexican once. She wouldn't stop screaming, "ay poppy!" Let's not forget the producer. Jerry Bruckhymen, I mean Bruckheimer, is the quintessential action blockbuster producer of our time with hits like Top Gun, Armaggedon and the recent Bad Boys II. So he delivers plenty of explosions, cannon balls, cool witty dialogue, special effects and the like. WALDO: He finally lifts the curse of box-office poison for Pirate movies. See Cuttthroat Island and Polanski's dark 1985's Pirates. But he may have overdone it. The movie was well-written and well paced but may be a tad too long. 20 minutes or so of too much fat. WALLY: Hey, cannon ball explosions, sword fights, skeletons fighting and Kiera Knightly's nipplies in skimpy period garb? Oh man. I gotta start jacking right now. Look, I'm a British soldier stuck on an Island where there's only one hot 17 year-old Governor's daughter to fantasize about. Splaksplakpsplak. WALDO: Uh, that was more info than we needed know. What we do know is that this movie delivers with fun pagentry worthy of its $100 million budget. Let's face it. It could have really sucked. But the writers(from Shrek) managed to pull off an entertaining... well... thrill ride. WALLY: Butt-pirate?
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