Waltertainment

Panic Room (***)

starring Jodi Foster, Forest Whitaker, some kid
directed by David Fincher(The Game, Seven, Fight Club)

(WARNING: The following may contain material unsuitable for small children, the easily offended, virgin ears and other virgin orifices. For a censored version see the bottom.)

WALDO: Hey everybody, after a long hiatus, we’re back!

WALLY: Yeah, a hiatus is the only thing you got that’s long. Haha.

WALDO: I’d rather have a long hiatus then your short little smegma covered-

WALLY: Whoa! Anyway it’s time we get to our movie, Panic Room…and I’m taking medication for that, okay cockblockula?

WALDO: Panic Room is a film that can be described in one word- High Concept.

WALLY: That’s three words. Hey, I didn’t know Leonardo Dicaprio was in this movie.

WALDO: That wasn’t Leo. That was a girl.

WALLY: That’s one ugly ass girl.

WALDO: Like your ex-girlfriend.

WALLY: Fuck you…but she had no teeth and a flat head. Where are ya gonna find those qualities in a girl?

WALDO: Frankenstein’s grandmother.

WALLY: That was so bad I’m not even gonna-

WALDO: Yeah-yeah-yeah anyway, Jodie and her daughter are caught in a closet-sized “Panic Room,” hence the title, when home invaders want to steal something in the panic room. The guys want to get in. The girls want to come out. WALLY: It’s like lesbian pussy.

WALDO: Oh God! You didn’t just say that!

WALLY: Welcome to our new fans.

WALDO: And goodbye to our new fans. Y’know instead of calling it a Panic Room they should have called it an “oh-shit room.” Cuz that’s what you say when you’re running in there.

WALLY: Instead they should have called it “Why didn’t you fuckin’ think of that earlier” Room? I hate it in movies when there’s a million things they could have done but were too busy thinking of cool ways to get into jeopardy.

WALDO: But that’s Hollywood for ya. I found Fincher to be reaching for many Hitchcockian ways to glean suspense from a so-so B-movie script. I think he did quite well considering the weak script.

WALLY: Did you just say Bitchcockian?

WALDO: Hitchcockian. Like Spielbergian. Or Jordanesque. An homage to the great ones.

WALLY: Cockblockian?

WALDO: Ugh.

WALLY: I just think it’s funny you said “cockian.”

WALDO: Moving right along...

WALLY: Is that what they call people from the planet Cock? Cockian?

WALDO: Good Lord. WALLY: If you’re from the planet Pussy are you Pusillanimous?

WALDO: Stop! Just stop!

WALLY: It’s a real word. Look it up.

WALDO: Idiot! The movie! Review the damn movie. Ingrate.

WALLY: Usually Fincher’s a cool director. I loved Seven and Fight Club rocked. But I ran into some eye-rolling moments like I did with Fincher’s The Game. The Game was a “yeah-right” movie. This was more “I can’t believe Jodi Foster is in this movie” movie.

WALDO: It was supposed to be Nicole Kidman but she hurt her leg doing something.

WALLY: Doing something? Not Tom Cruise.

WALDO: That’s terrible. Maybe she just got tired of stumbling around a dark house after The Others. I thought Fincher’s attempt at sprucing up the clichéd home invasion premise was interesting. He did a lot of the “get close and follow the air vent or power cord” type of stuff.

WALLY: If you want to be a hot visual director then just get close and go inside something, like a car’s engine ala Rob Cohen in Fast and Furious or someone’s gut ala David O. Russell in Three Kings.

WALDO: Ron Howard did it first in Apollo 13. Here though, Fincher was somewhat limited with weak antagonists and a see-it-coming-from-a-mile-away script. Although the writer, David Koepp, is definitely an A-Lister all the way, I’m not his biggest fan. While not a bad movie, I think this is Fincher’s worst script and worst movie yet. Narrowly beating out a disappointing but still cool to look at Alien 3.

WALLY: Well let’s look at Koepp’s filmography.
* Death Becomes Her- didn’t see it but heard it sucked. Flopped despite being directed by Godlike Bob Zemeckis.
* Jurassic Park- ok, I liked this one. But not cuz of the story. And having Spielberg getting your back doesn’t hurt.
* The Shadow- sucked * Mission: Impossible- kinda sucked
* Lost World- sucked
* Snake Eyes- pretty much sucked
* Stir of Echoes- sucked next to Sixth Sense
* Panic Room- so-so. If Jodi Foster didn’t wear that cleavage machine it would have sucked.
* Spider-Man- probably so-so but will still pull in $200 million cuz Sony’s banking on it. So this guy has a few sucks and couple so-so’s. How the hell is he pulling in the big jobs?

WALDO: Who knows? Maybe he sucks. If ya know what I mean.

WALLY: No. I don’t. I really really don’t. Unless you’re talking toothless girls with flat heads. If you don’t get that joke then forget it.

Random thoughts:
* That new CAMERON DIAZ movie just looks bad.
* Check out SWIMMING WITH SHARKS. Good send up of what Hollywood is really like. Early Kevin Spacey. He has the best line ever in a movie: “life is not fair, the good guy doesn’t always win and love does not conquer all.”
* Is that N’SYNC trying to look cool and tough in their new video? C’mon now.
* Is there a hotter woman on the planet then GWEN STEFANI? Even when she looks weird she looks good. She’s got that star quality whatever it is. That “it.” ----------------------------------

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