Waltertainment

The Fast and The Furious (***1/2) - fun
Tomb Raider (***) - no story, good action
Moulin Rouge (***1/2) - different, vibrant, campy
Pearl Harbor (***1/2) - great battle, so-so love story

The Fast and The Furious (***1/2)

starring Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Jordana Brewster
directed by Rob Cohen(Daylight, Dragonheart)

WALLY: On your mark, get set…suck.

WALDO: Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad.

WALLY: I’m just kidding. This movie was actually pretty enjoyable. It’s about a bunch of movie execs who were sitting around a table saying “hey, I know a bunch of those kids are into those stupid looking, souped-up cars with those idiotic looking stickers on the side or in the windshield that say “convinced.” Let’s churn out a dumb but fun movie and make money off of them.”

WALDO: Well, it’s not really about that. It’s about an undercover cop who enters the world of illegal street racing to find out who’s behind high speed hijacking of trucks.

WALLY: There’s gotta be an easier way to hijack a truck other than at high speed. Like at a stop light.

WALDO: But that wouldn’t look as splendidly cool. The story is pretty much by the numbers. Not really original or suspenseful but it does move at a brisk pace and with some momentum so you’re never really bored.

WALLY: I was glad there were no ‘duh, that’s dumb’ moments. Except for every time Vin Diesel opened his mouth. That guy’s so big and scary it’d be impossible for him to play a smart guy. Can you picture him saying “the Pythagorean theorem is…?”

WALDO: Amazingly, this movie opened to $41m at the box office. Twice what was originally expected because it appeals primarily to boys 15-24 and Tomb Raider was expected to appeal to them also.

WALLY: But the rice rocket phenomenon was not to be denied. The ending was kind of dumb though. And Jordana Brewster is cute. Overall, pretty fun. Great racing scenes.

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Tomb Raider (***)

starring Angelina Jolie’s tight shirts
directed by Simon West (Con Air, General’s Daughter)

WALDO: How about Dumb Raider?

WALLY: Angelina Jolie’s tits? What?

WALDO: Jolie is Lara Croft, video game vixen sent out to find two halves of an ancient triangle that can control time.

WALLY: I’d search the world for Angelina Jolie’s golden triangle.

WALDO: That’s gross. Any movie where you search for parts of an ancient something that spells doom when you put them together reminds me too much of the G.I. Joe cartoon mini-series of the 80’s. Cartoonish.

WALLY: But if it was video gamish it’d be perfect. I think I know an Indian guy named that- Video Gamish.

WALDO: The plot is simple and linear and takes a back seat to the spectacular action sequences and Jolie’s…ahem, assets.

WALLY: Tits? What?

WALDO: Not as good an action movie as the Mummy 2 but still worth a look if you want to pull a Pee-Wee like Wally frequently does.

WALLY: Hey, don’t mention my name and pee-wee in the same sentence. Are we dating ourselves? Do people actually remember that reference to Pee-Wee Herman caught masturbating in an adult theater about a decade ago?

WALDO: If not then you worked it in nicely.

WALLY: Thanks.
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Moulin Rouge (***1/2)

starring Ewan Mcgregor, Nicole you gotta be Kidman
directed by Baz Luhrman (Romeo and Juliet, Strictly Ballroom)

WALLY: Ok, when I saw this movie the first thing that popped into my head was the director of this has GOT to be gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just don’t think straight men are that creative. Seriously.

WALDO: Ewan Mcgregor is a lowly writer who joins the stage performers of Moulin Rouge to throw a “real” show so Nicole Kidman’s “Satine” can be a real actress.

WALLY: Tom Cruise must be gay if he broke up with that tasty piece of aussie snatch pie.

WALDO: Jeez! Control yourself! The beginning of the movie was very artsy and quite vibrant and alive. It calmed down by the 2nd half to be a more conventional love story.

WALLY: It didn’t like how they used modern songs like “Roxanne,” “All you need is love,” “In the name of Love,” a bunch of Elton John tunes etc. They just didn’t do it for me. I would have enjoyed it more if they came up with their own songs.
Some of the scenes made me wonder if Ewan or Nicole even read the script. Cuz they were doing this ultra-over-the-top campy song and dance routine that must have made them think to themselves “I’m singing and dancing and I look so fuckin’ stupid. This had better work or I’m gonna kill my agent.”

WALDO: There was also a nod to Shakespeare in Love how they came up with a story for the play in the movie by mirroring their experiences in real life.

WALLY: The funnest thing about this movie was the couple behind us. About 15 minutes into the movie, when it was still artsy and super-campy, the old guy goes “this has GOT to get better.” Then about 10 minutes later he says to his wife “how much longer you wanna stay?” Oh my God, it was soooo funny. It was hard to keep from laughing at this dude. He wasn’t even trying to whisper.

WALDO: Overall, a very different, colorful, eclectic movie about a fanciful love story. If you’re into different kinds of movies then check this one out.

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Pearl Harbor (***1/2)

starring Ben Affleck, Josh Harnett, Kate Beckinsdale
directed by Michael Bay (Armageddon, The Rock)

WALLY: How about Suck Harbor?

WALDO: It wasn’t that bad.

WALLY: I was just kidding. The battle sequence was awesome. Totally awesome.

WALDO: The love story was numbing. Totally numbing. In reality it was ok to move the story forward but just wayyyyyy too long. It’s about two WWII fighter pilots who fall for the same woman and the story surrounds the Pearl Harbor attack.

WALLY: Two big problems, first (spoiler warning): when Kate Beckinsdale’s character thought Ben Affleck was dead, she immediately dated his best friend, like the next day. And Josh Harnett did the same with her. What a couple of dicks.

WALDO: (spoiler warning) I agree. This totally lost cool points with me. They tried to make it seem okay by all the friends saying “get on with your life” but that didn’t make it better. They could have easily fixed this problem by just making Kate not know they knew each other.
I expected a better script from Randal Wallace, writer of Braveheart. (spoiler warning) the line where she said “I’ll be with him the rest of my life but I’ll never see another sunset without thinking of you,” uuuuughhh!

WALLY: (spoiler warning) Yeah, gag me with a dick. “You just fucked my best friend a day after you thought I was dead you fucking whore!!! Never look at another sunset? Fuck yourself and die!!!”
(end of spoiler)
Girls, let this be a lesson to you. If you’re gonna fuck our best friend after you think we’re dead, you better make sure we’re dead or our feelings will be really hurt when we find out. On second thought, if you fuck our best friend at all, we’re gonna fucking kill you.
Oh, and Josh Harnett’s performance was about as convincing as casting wood. “Uh, uh, duh. Make sure you come back for the both of us. Uh, uh, duh. Yeah.” I haven’t seen a human so devoid of emotion since Keanu Reeves. “I man an FBI agent.”

WALDO: My solution to the bloated running time of the movie, which I feel was inspired by making a movie to compete with Titanic, was to just tie up the romance before the battle and end the movie with the Pearl Harbor attack.
(spoiler warning) Because in the end one guy dies and she goes with the other one. You could have just had the guy die during the Jap attack and sew up the movie in two hours, 45 minutes of which is the awesome battle. (end spoiler)
This movie was the highest greenlit budget ever at $135 million. Titanic was greenlit at $125M but went over budget to $200M. Now it looks like Pearl Harbor will barely reach $200M domestic. It will still probably make some money but not the boatload Disney expected.

WALLY: During the awesome battle I couldn’t help but think of the love story and say to myself “who cares?”

WALDO: I agree. Ebert says this movie did a disservice to the men and women of Pearl Harbor. I agree and disagree. This wasn’t supposed to be a realistic Saving Private Ryan homage to soldiers but a Hollywood love story spectacle.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to tell a story. But I do agree that the epic battle got me into the mood of saluting the honor and courage of those that died at Pearl Harbor and suddenly the love story seemed insignificant. I wanted to learn about the stories of heroism and honor that the real people died for. That’s what we got from Saving Private Ryan and that’s what some felt Pearl Harbor should have been about.

WALLY: Overall, awesome battle, so-so love story. Kate Beckinsdale is really hot. (spoiler warning) Oh yeah, like Ben Affleck isn’t going to pork Kate Beckinsdale the night before he goes off to war. Oh, my ass!!