A Waldo and Wally Movie Review On...

Waldo: First of all, I don’t remember a year in recent memory that went this deep as far as movies I really liked.

Wally: What’s your Top 10 peeps? If you send us your comments or Top 10 there’s a good chance We’ll send you copies of THRUST import car scene DVD and Def
Talent Jam X DVD. Quit slobbering. A list of the Top 250 movies of 2003 is/will be on our website at www.waltertainment.com.

Ok, this year we each did a Top 5 instead of a Top 10 for both. Actually I did a Top 6 so it adds up to 10 Total movies but you’ll see what we mean in a minute. Here we go…

WALLY’s #6
OLD SCHOOL (***1/2)
Pure fun. I identified with this movie since the director says it’s about "guys in their early 30’s in that uncomfortable position between being young and deciding to growing up and they decide to go the wrong way." I need to do something with my life soon but since I’m not married with kids like all my friends I still go after young chickies who are still kind of
whoreish but just don’t know it.

WALDO’S #5
SEABISCUIT (****)
I thought a movie about a depression era racehorse was quite a gamble but you know if I liked this movie it must be pretty well made. Classic Rocky-type underdog story that’s presses all the right buttons and pulls all the right strings and we’re happy to fall for it cuz it’s believably made. If it weren’t a true story it’d be so contrived I would have thrown up.

WALLY’s. #5
KILL BILL VOL. 1 (***1/2)
Style style style. No real story here but the cool, clever and cute things Tarantino pulls off in this movie are so kick ass ballsy if you love daring cinema you can’t help but gush. If you love manufactured Hollywood overmarketed shit then maybe not.

WALDO’S #4
FINDING NEMO (****)
Pixar is money in the bank. Decent story. Fantastic, snappy clever humorous writing. Had the opportunity to present some really great visuals here with the underwater setting.

WALLY’s #4
MASTER AND COMMANDER (***1/2)
Canons. Honor. Blood. Russell Crowe yelling. Yeah! Great attention to detail. Story’s not real intricate but great tension, great action sequences and great attention and care to production. Not tits but we’ll let that pass.

WALLY’s #3
THE LAST SAMURAI (****)
Fucking ninjas. That’s all I gotta say. Some critics thought it was demeaning for an American Tom Cruise to show that ‘hey, I can be noble, I’ll just join those weird foreigners and show them whities are good people too.’ But I bought into the premise. It wasn’t entirely convincing but the sense of honor and duty permeated this epic. The fight scenes were great too. It’s was like Dances With Wolves(gay) meets Braveheart(cool) with Samuris(cool). 2 gays and a cool makes it cool. My testosterone was out of control.

WALDO’s #3
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN (****)
Surprisingly very fun, funny. A good time on an epic scale. Johnny Depp was a pleasure surprise as the weirdly entertaining Capt. Jack Sparrow.

WALLY: And Keira Knightly makes my Orlando wanna Bloom.

WALLY’s #2
X2: X-MEN UNITED (****)
I could watch a whole TV series about mutant superheroes fighting each other if it’s this good. I was so interested in what the mutants could do and seeing them fight each other I didn’t want this to end. It wasn’t so much the story that impressed me but the whole world of superheroes whereas most movies are just about 1 hero. Here we had a dozen or so fighting and that’s totally cool.

I’d love to get with that shape shifter villain, Mystique, played by Rebecca Romaine, Rojimn, Romijn or however the fuck you spell it, that loser collect calling commercial making John Stamos’s wife. I’d make her shape shift into Jessica Simpson and then I’d do her and when we’re going hot and heavy I’d slap her and yell "how can you be so stupid you dumb ass bitch?"

WALDO’s #2
AMERICAN SPLENDOR (****)
If you missed this movie to see anything Jennifer Lopez or Ben Affleck is in then you really have no clue about how to find good movies. You just see a million TV commercials and think "hey, it’s heavily marketed, let’s go see that." I hate it when peole
mention some stupid ass formula movie and say "that looks pretty good." UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

You’re probably one of those people who saw Freddy v. Jason cuz it’s historic. You suck. You are why Gigli was made. Because you’re easily pandered to with formula and star power.

This movie has none of that and blows everything out of the water. It’s part narrative, part animation, part documentary and has the most peculiar character of the year. It’s about grumpy Harvey Pekar who created the American Splendor comic with R. Crumb. He later gained fame on Letterman. But he’s a fascinating figure who’s intrigue comes from his incredibly pessimistic and dour point of view. It also provides a lot of the biting humor and satire that makes this movie fun to watch. Ofcourse you’ll never see it cuz
you don’t want to watch a movie without big stars or a colorful ad campaign. You guys suck.

WALLY: Ooooohhhkay?

WALDO AND WALLY’S #1 MOVIE OF 2003…
LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING (*****)

WALLY: Yeaaahhhh! I feel like a part of me has been waiting for this mutherfucker all my life. Big and badass. Probably the greatest battle action sequence ever along with the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan and the original Death Star run.

WALDO: I think this series of movies worked in part for one reason. It’s simple. Really good guys vs. a really really bad guy. George Lucas take note. Trade Federation what?

WALLY: Yeah, and Sauron was great as the ultimate evil bad guy. He’s so bad he’s just an eye that looks like a flaming vagina. He’s so bad his soldiers have to look like a monster Halloween costume. Lord of the Rings would be so incredibly campy if it didn’t turn out so incredibly fucking cool. But we were all pulling for the underdog while cool looking creatures had battles with humans in cool looking fantasy worlds…like New Zealand. That was basically it. We bought into the underdog story and as long as it looked cool we’d go along with it.

WALDO: And it did look really cool. I was hooked on the first movie when that opening battle scene had that swooping shot over the thousands of warriors running at each other. No one had ever seen that. THAT was what an epic battle is supposed to look like. And
that is the other reason why we love this movie…spectacle.

When two big armies fight each other we usually only see a thousand extras and then have close ups of people fighting. But in this movie we actually saw thousands of soldiers running at each other with big trolls and monsters and cool stuff to look at. The underdog story with the grand spectacle is a hard combo to beat and that’s why this series of movies will be mentioned with Casablanca, Godfather and Citizen Kane as a milestone of cinema. Other movies may have cooler effects and bigger battles someday but not a lot of them are based on 50 million sold books that own the entire fantasy, wizard, dragon, swords and castles genre. What Star Wars was to sci-fi, Lord of the Rings is to fantasy: the benchmark by which all quality is measured. It is the best movie of 2003.

Honorable Mentions:
LOST IN TRANSLATION- A different directing approach(wistful, poetic, character driven) to a hard to cover topic(loneliness, indecision, listfulness). Lots of critics loved this but the story felt too slight to me to mention in my top ten. I was more impressed by it as an act of filmmaking.

MYSTIC RIVER- Well acted and directed. Tense but dragged a wee bit in the middle. The whole lynch pin of the movie on which a lot of the tension is based is kind of contrived though.

BETTER LUCK TOMORROW- Even though I saw this in 2002 I liked it because it features Asians, 2 of the stars are in the THRUST DVD and we met the director who’s a
really cool guy, Justin Lin.

WHAT WAS THAT AWARD- The Hulk. Just smash shit, man. This just got weird.

BIGGEST LETDOWN- Matrix 3. Although it had one of the coolest battle scenes in recent memory the story was equally as stupid. As complex as Reloaded as, this one
was as simple and not in a good way. Basically all of that plot and those characters in Reloaded didn’t really mean anything cuz Revolutions was about a big battle and Neo having a fistfight. How can a franchise with so much promise fall so flat? Amazing in it’s
ineptitude.

BEST TITLE FOR A PORN- Holes, 2nd place- Bend it Like Beckham, 3rd- Whale Rider, 4th- The Italian Job 5th- Legally Blonde

BEST ADAPTED TITLE FOR A PORN- Lord of the Cock Rings

BEST TITLE FOR A GERMAN SHIETZA FILM (that’s human shit porn, I mean real human shit)- It Runs In The Family

BEST IMPRESSION- Paris Hilton doing simultaneous impressions of both the green Hulk and her own version of the Sauron evil eye. I guess you could say she also impersonated all those guys in Kill Bill and Last Samuri who got stabbed repeatedly.

MOVIE I HAVEN’T SEEN CUZ I KNEW IT WOULD SUCK-
Charlies Angels 2

MOST OVERRATED- Cold Mountain. Yeah, production value was incredible. But the story’s about a chic waiting for a guy to come back to her from war while the guy deserts his army and tries to get back to her. C’mon. Half the movie is about waiting. The other half the guy gets into shit that has no bearing on him getting back or his emotional growth. Can you say nose up Oscar winning director’s ass? Boooorrring.

YOUNG ADULTS ARE MINDLESS AND STUPID AWARD- 2 Fast 2
Furious.
If this doesn’t have Direct To Video all over it nothing does. And yet it still does $120 million.

SAME AS CAMERON’S VERSION ONLY NOT AS GOOD AWARD- T3

WHAT A WASTE OF GOOD SNATCH AWARD- Honey. I love Jessica Alba. I hate her taste in projects.

BEST MOVIE MY COUSIN FRITZ WAS IN AND GOT PAID $250 A DAY- The Rundown, he’s a brown extra in the back with his shirt off

BAD REMAKE TO A GOOD ORIGINAL- Love Don’t Cost A Thing was a remake of the cult classic Can’t Buy Me Love. Cheesecake?

BEST MOVIE MORE PEOPLE I KNOW WERE IN- 2 Fast and 2 Furious, all my FL car friends were in this

BEST TITLE- Bubba Ho-Tep

WHY DOES THIS GUY HAVE A CAREER AWARD: Ashton Kutcher

If we did put them 1-10 they would have been:

10. OLD SCHOOL (***1/2)
9. KILL BILL VOL. 1 (***1/2)
8. MASTER AND COMMANDER (***1/2)
7 SEABISCUIT (****)
6. FINDING NEMO (****)
5. THE LAST SAMURAI (****)
4. X2: X-MEN UNITED (****)
3. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN (****)
2. AMERICAN SPLENDOR (****)
1. LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING (*****)


Supposedly Good Movies I Haven’t Seen:
Station Agent
Big Fish
21 Grams
House of Sand and Fog
Fog of War
Winged Migration
Spellbound
Whale Rider
In America
Monster
Bad Santa
Triplets of Belleville

That’s it folks. We hope 2004 is as good as 2003 cuz
it was a pretty damn good year at the movies.

 

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